This paper was a mess. I'm still afraid to see what my grade was.
But I'm interested in what people think of the ideas that haphazardly put together here. I guess this paper could be considered a dimly lit doorway into what I want to explore.
The title I gave it was "Writing & The Self," but that's lousy.
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Writing & The Self
I am going to explore my writing/ diary entries from a psychological perspective. I will see how my different feelings and perceptions connect to the psychological behavior we have examined in class, as well as to symptoms of potentially relevant disorders. At the same time, however, I will regard Emerson's thoughts in "Self-Reliance," and see how my feelings, ideas, and experiences could have their own meaning and significance to me as an individual; I will entertain the possibility that my personal conceptions may very well be as valid as the established psychological knowledge of society. How much of who I am do I have control over? What is acceptable? Is social acceptability all that matters in a condition?
Social norms: How society tells us to look at ourselves, how we look at society, how society looks at us. What are the rules? It seems that the ultimately more significant issues are the intangible: that which either cannot be explained or *will* not be explained; with acceptance of the self (as individual or society) comes in inert rejection of others, at least, those which conflict with how we've been raised (or, potentially, raised ourselves) to be.
When are individuality and eccentricity tolerated? When are they praised? When are they rejected? Is it solely situational or is it influenced by other traits of the person? (And what would those traits be?)
Societal Standard vs. Individual Standard. How do these two concepts influence each other? Which is ultimately more important? Societal standards have a more immediate influence. (Hypothesis: Someone may go against expectations and/or desires of others but still be well-liked if their other attributes are evident within their interaction.)
What kind of individuality is praised or admired? What kind is rejected, criticized, or feared? To what degree does it matter?
"Self-Reliance"- Emerson presents the idea that one should see the legitimacy in his own ideas without societal validation. The fear and anxiety of being wrong is irrational, because anybody could be wrong. Society typically communicates that deviation from tradition or expectation is invalid. People real act as though they know what is best for you, but you have the right to pursue your own intuition and reason.
I first read an excerpt from "Self-Reliance" during my junior year of high school. It helped facilitate a series of mental transitions. I began to have greater faith in that which I felt was right, instead of trying force myself into an establish formula that did not allow me to function as a happy, healthy human being. This transition is illustrated in an entry I wrote on February 27th, 2012: "If I believe in something or have an idea that's really crazy, it's 99% likely because of my strong embrace of the ambiguity of existence. I'm tying my complex philosophical views of the world to everyday observations, which are often expected to be simple."
In early elementary school, I was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD.) I always struggled with concentration and organization. From high school onward, I found it increasingly difficult to apply myself in virtually all aspects of my life. I frequently failed to meet performance and productivity expectations, and make short-term sacrifices for long-term obligations and my overall well-being. I have always been able to demonstrate my intelligence, creativity, and individuality, but unifying these traits and maintaining consistent effort was my general downfall. My family and teachers recognized my potential, but could never truly figure out what was "wrong." It was established that I had ADD, but there was always more going on than anyone (myself included) could keep track of. Throughout elementary school I was a shy, sensitive introvert, yet most of the time enjoyed being in the company of my peers. I could openly share my eccentricity, at times a little too easily; I was happily capable of amusing my friends, but often unknowingly established myself as a "weird" kid. By middle school, my uniqueness and timidity had made my social surroundings a nightmare. Judgement and rejection by my peers bolstered my negativity, as well as my social anxiety. Later diagnoses would suggest that this environment triggered and worsened my issues with depression and anxiety.
In 2008, I was diagnosed with dysthymia. I was prescribed an antidepressant called Celexa, and I also began taking Adderall for my ADD. An evaluation I had taken revealed that I very likely had some kind of anxiety disorder in addition to the depression. I hardly met any of the symptoms for bipolar disorder; I even requested to be evaluated again, but the results were the same. My life was splitting into highs and lows in a manner that was frustratingly intangible, and no diagnosis could give me an answer as to what was going on. In January 2009, I wrote the following in an online journal entry:
I think a lot of you know (or at least have a feeling) that I'm clinically depressed. I have dysthymia, which is a long-term yet mild form of depression. I've been on antidepressants for seven months now, I feel like I'm finally getting my life together. All the things that used to made me miserable can't hurt me anymore; I've won those battles. Too bad not all of life's problems are internal things that can be solved by a change in behavior, or an adjustment of a chemical balance. Too bad one has to come along now, at a time when I thought I was getting stronger.
You can have a firm grip when you're climbing a ladder, but if it tips over, you're fucked. Once you feel it starting to wobble, all you can do is hope it won't tilt back any further. You've slipped on the rungs a few times before, and you managed to recover-- but you know if the whole ladder falls back on you, recovery won't be possible. Should you brace yourself for the crash? Or keep climbing? After all, the ladder hasn't fallen yet...
As illustrated here, even in my stronger moments I often felt like part of me was faltering. I found it impossible to maintain control over myself, to steer myself in the right direction. I was frustrated by my inability to take action (this is also a theme in Hamlet, which we read in AP English senior year).
January of this year, I wrote: "I don't want to submit to the sadness, I don't want to burn in the delirium of saturated depression. I want to find something that will make me happy."
Art school, while stressful and at times miserable and discouraging, has been a road bringing me to see what I have to live for. I'm thankful for making all the choices that have brought me to where I am now; even the mistakes and wasted efforts seem important in bringing me to the threshold. I am less skeptical of the legitimacy of my dreams and potential. My life and mind will always be under the stress of contrasting fluctuations, but erraticity itself should not be feared.
"The voyage of the best ship is a zigzag line of a hundred tacks. This is only microscopic criticism. See the line from a sufficient distance, and it straightens itself to the average tendency. Your genuine action will explain your other genuine actions," Emerson says. My obsession with my perceived difficulty with fitting into expected patterns has been ruining so much of my life. If I can, to a rational extent, abandon the frivolous legitimacy with which I greatly struggle, progress and success may be attainable. The words "To be great is to be misunderstood," which are perhaps to most well-known from "Self-Reliance," never had any meaning to me until now.
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I was planning on including an exploration of the "creative's complex mind," but that's something else entirely. That's still in the dark beyond the doorway, but it's definitely there.
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